what?

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Well so that’s how it was… we went up all the way to search for a waterfall so that we could have smth to do for yf outing. Well not that i do not like stuffs like these …its jz tht im more of a indoor idiot thts quite teh lazy to move around … so thts why sometimes i’d prefer the schoolgroub activity rather than being in teh college ones …

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you could say that i’m not really those tht would mix with people at my age and older …so obviously u dont see me around those thts older than me ..duh !! .. well of coz im talking bout teh boys side …which obviously had no problem with whatsoever … but teh main issue’s alwys on teh girls … well frankly speaking(writing) … the more post i posted, the more i get confused and frustrated … and irritated … and …how did it ever come to this topic ?!?! gee man i was jz talking about waterfall ..

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and so yeah … the first one we surveyed … well it kinda suck … we sorta like went in a hurry without taking any change of clothes, and drove up thr to pay 4bucks for parking ticket, and voila !! a bunch of HUANAS jz apeared and if u wana do a head count ..i’d say easliy a thousand and 99% are HUANAS.. So yea i couldnt imagine the crowd …and teh weather was so fleaking hort yet the road is one lane and all teh cars parked at teh side tht caused a massive traffic jam and bunch of HUANAS walking on teh road coz thrs like no where else for u to walk on and so yea we hafto park so far away and being greeted by so many HUANAS tht we went up and came down straight away ….and yea ….CURSE u government… or rather useless idiot tht handles tourism malaysia …

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oh yea and thrs teh part tht ljx fell down …bt i didnt notice it until he walked up …. hmm… my mind was definitely somewhere else .. so we prayed a prayer after tht incident and went to another waterfall which is another long journey rounding up and up … well yea tht place was much bigger and cleaner …good job for those people there … it has lesser people and a bigger place …so yea it was cool ..so thts decided tht we’ll land thr for outing … i coulnt really bother listing out teh details coz i was dead tired climbing up and down and sitting in teh car for too long a journey … and then we didnt even bring enuf stuff to play teh water while we’re at it …. and yet i didnt hf a camera ….ahh jeez …forget it…

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why did this post become so sadistic ?!? well yea …initially my plan was to go thr and find some answers about certain thing …but hey … came back empty handed … hmm… whatsort of mountaintop experience was pastor talking about ehh ? ..

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all said and not done … back to my life infront of teh pc !!

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_end_

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but being the obvious me, i chose echi and romance genre …and yea of course i liked it… eww !! there was one friend of mine that said she wanted to be a manga character when we’re in secondary school … she was kinda engrossed in it but that time i always critisize her for not realizing that reality was much more colourful (duh) … unless someone coloured the page ! …

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anyway i was slow to adapt to being a manga reading freak …but i sorta like understand how she felt now (damn dtdw …ure slow . . .) .. i can pretty much imagine if i was a manga character …and it felt better than reality …coz i can pretty much do anything as long as the mangaka wants it done this or that way. of course the love part is always the best and most fun and thrilling, coz in reality, thrs always a limit at which u wanna do together with someone u like.

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but actually.. being a mangaka is always the best, bcoz u get to determine what the main character does, and you can always shape the girlfriend-to-be and make her the best female in the entire world, which in reality, you can search all you want but as humans, she can make as much mistake and make u sad for just being with her and blah ….

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i know im kinda stupid to put it this way, but that is how i view the reality as of right now. As much as i’m trying to not think of my future, i’m alwys fantasizing about this and that girl. But as of society around me right now, i somehow grew cold and distant myself from the topic of falling in love.. coz love in todays society is just an excuse to sleep around and earn extra bucks. for guys however it is alwys a nice and pleasant thing (duh) ..and when u’re done you get to change your ‘shirt’ and wont leave a scar on your ‘ex’ coz she’s also doing the same thing. its like saying ” everyone is already doing it, if you feel sad coz u dumped her or being dumped, you’re losing out man ! … thrs stil plenty of fishes around .. and majority of girls also think the same way ” why get so sad when he dumped u ? not like u’re gonna cry for the rest of ur life right ?”

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anyway … things are getting pretty messed up as of now, and especially my idiotic life … i’m gonna get into battle first !

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My initial idea was just to record a particular riff or tune or technique whenever it hits me, so that i do not forget what i play, so that in teh future i can recall it up and further modify it to better tune. That was the start of my interest, and its been quite long since i wanna do that, but hadnt got the passion or guts or just pure laziness, coz i need to download this and that and plug in this and that.

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But few days ago, i’ve decided .. thats it ! i’ve had enuf of ” i dont remember how i played it” syndrom, and everytime i came out with something diff to play with, and its totally not the REAL thing tht i wanted and i alwys try to remember that particular tune i had when im sleeping. So i digged out the Cubase LE and installed it, digged out a usb cable+extender and pluged it into my zoom G7. After few hours, its ready to record and to my experience, it was really bad.

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So i thought, lets record the riff for a few seconds in series so i could compare it, but LOL ..it didnt turn out that way coz i switched on metronome, and as musicians know, metronome can be evil, or if perfected can be an angel. So i didnt want to be conformed to evilness due to lack of timing, so i began riffing it with metronome just to get that short riff on time.

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Slowly, it began to dawn on me, what on earth am i doing ? I went on and did a complete backup of an entire song !! Obviously it was bad sounding coz i know nuts about editing, post processing, and lots more .. So i exported it out as DRY mix. Further more, i do not have even a semi-profesional rig. Just pure pre-amp with amps EQ, and wit a built-in sound card in the PC. So i began researching for more info on latency issues and lo and behold, i found SONAR 8, and obviously i dont have or wouldnt buy an original, so i did some tricks to get it, duhh .. malaysians ..

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SONAR 8 was just pure insane. IT probly beats the best product that Steinberg could offer, and at a price that’s far cheaper, altho not many home musician could even afford it. So what Cakewalk (company that made Sonar) did was giving away free full version trial, and it totaly blew me away.

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After watching youtube’s video, it blew me away even further, and i tot i was in diff planet. Well its so complicated that, at the same time very user friendly, but for first time user, of course i was pulling my hair to get the sound working, but after a few tweaks, its working like a charm.

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So now, instead of just recording my split second riff dream, i can finally put an entire song into backup tracks, and what that means is, i can convey my idea to the musicians far easier, and what more is that i can use that as a dual guitarist, and bla bla bla … There’s lots more posiblities that i’ve yet to discover, and its not just recording, this is like building a foundation for the next generation to follow. It will, hopefully be a tool for my teaching, so that i do not need to play the backups, but being able to do solos so that they could learn faster, or i could teach more efieciently.

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Obviously all this ideas are just too messy and complicated, and at times i feel lost when i think of the posibility of using such program. But we’ll go step by step alright ? do teh recording with perfect timing first. When i finish that, i could use some drum plugin and add it in, then use midi to fill in teh gap ..

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It was a waste tht i didnt go for classes, and lots of term oso i dont understand, but this is whr i should learn, and once i get the basic down, i can just focus on me playing teh guitar. Soon, i’ll turn most of the songs our chc sings, to rock, using just this program.

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So me too, had left early, and carried my elect-G back to teh car, .. what a hassle ..then met up with collin … then sudenly wht came my mind was he wanted to play elect G, and he asked me b4 long time tht he wanted to learn some stuffs .. so i said ok … then i ask him again b4 going back, wanna learn ? no prob ..so i made an appointment to teach hong wei and collin at the same time, and i would really need saturday’s 6 – 7pm .. hopefully a keyholder can stayback for a while, and thrs no unnesasary meeting right at teh stage …

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So yea .. a short post to add one more person to the cue … now i jz need to find time to juggle between these 3 people. .. Erm .. 4 actually. Now i need hong wei to get either a acoustic G or Elect G .. the cheaper and lowest maintainence is of coz acous G .. and to practice from gound zero, i’d prefer having him play on acous G to get used to teh strength and whatnot basic positioning. When he’s confident enuf, then he’ll get elect G to further do stuffs tht acous G cannot. But what i’m thiking right now is to lend him my Squire, but teh problem isnt on the cleaning, but to get a cheap and versatile amp. The lowest i can get is 330RM .. hmm .. any amp other than roland micro cube ..i dont recomend any others … Well now i do feel bad for not properly taking care of that Squirel … and calling it all sorts of bad thingys … Now that it has to become someone else’ friend … i dont feel bad for letting it go coz ive got a better one, and tht Squirel is a nuisance in my house for taking up xtra space for an unwanted good. But to give a litterally ‘trash’ to someone else .. i am something isnt it ? LOL ..

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But tht problem aside .. well i do feel that as the old members gets older, they pickup more responsiblility, and as such kenyiap got a baby, handles indonesian ministry, some youth work outside … i can see tht he hasnt much time to spare at all .. and donald got married, kids probly coming, work overload .. also not much time .. andrew was very free 1 … WAS  ..then for some reason he seemed busier and so … basically … no one to teach potential future musicians lah …

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And bcoz of that, i had no choice .. when i started learing .. i dont have alot of so called teachers to teach me drums or guitar .. either i self learn, or quit .. But thank god for the few that helped, i managed to play for till today .. if john isnt there, i’ll never play it at all… if kenyiap didnt spend that limited time he had, i will never think of serving at all .. if andrew didnt show me wht needs to be done for this particular song, i’ll be lost .. same with joshua, cavin, and eng kok ..  But that aside … i would say it isnt enuf at all … if a pro would to sit me down for 1 hour, tht would help better than just little bit of crumbs from each people ..

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Well wht i meant is, .. FINE ! these people are busy, but i’m not. And i’m classed in church as the most free and wu liao human. So i’ll use this bad thing or so called bad thing .. for good … Altho i dont have very very big dreams .. actually i do … but to me and alot of people, it just seem like blank talk… like how i wish to change the way to play music ROCK .. and add in elements of solos .. and standing infront of massive crowds of youth .. BUT. . i do have certain dreams tht WILL come through … those arent about me but about the youths ..

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Thats the reason why i opt to train them FOC, and made this an important thing not to miss .. Whatever crappy thing i do, i teach them, but hey .. im teaching theory .. i dont really expand it till they do it MY way .. i let them explore their own thing .. Anyhow .. fine even Jon and Kevin is busy am i right ? i duno what is going on in everyone’s life, but if im available, then why not ? i’m building a future for this church’ youths … coz i dont know what i’ll be doing in teh future, ..who knows what i end up in, even busier than pastor ? And i dont wanna hear myself saying, ..its too late to teach them now .. So i’d rather hantam and got time means practice wit them ..teach them ..whatever little skill i have  ..

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I know i know ..everyone just gives crap about quiet time and personal relationship with god .. but hey .. i dont have such a faith as strong as a mountain .. i still fall ..but if that’s gonna stop me .. then i’m speechless .. i know my weakness, and i know i’m not there yet, so am i gonna condem those people younger than me ? thts imposible .. everytime i come to any old musician ..they sure say .. quiet time, devotion, personal worship .. same ol’ same ol’ .. sad to say..i hate it .. and yet again dont give crap to me about lucifer .. i know wht he did more than how much tv u watch …

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I’ll leave the usual disipline to the ‘person in charge’ of a ‘particular instrument’ aight ? I’m not gonna give bullcrap to my students … just purely skills … when it comes the time for me to be teh ‘person in charge’ of a ‘particular instrument’ then oni i think about boring teh future musicians about ‘the usual stuff u need to follow before any skills comes in’ .. aight ?

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So yes, i did fork out 1k+ for two gfx card to do SLI which runs both cards together to get better visual quality, but i was lucky tht i bought both low end cards, or else i wouldnt have enuf munny to buy teh guitar. So it was good that i got out of the pc industry, and now i can finally focus on what really matters to me : MUSIC !!

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Yes as you all know, i WAS a drummer, WAS alwys thinking of playing drums, WAS alwys wishing that i could show off a little bit, but soon to realize that it was total crap when jtsen came into the picture. Its not about his knowledge or skills, its coz he has a drumset at home, while many of youths didnt/couldnt own … And even tho ur skill and knowledge may suck in the begining, you would be pro in just a year if you own a real (not digital) drumset at home, coz u could play it 365 days. Same theory as any instrument, it does crap for you for just knowledge or skill if you dont own an instrument.

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I was thinking … alwys using the church drums … its kinda sad case lah .. besides .. using it had more issues that you can gather throughout the week .. And if u seriously think of practicing with it, one year has only 52 weeks, and most of the time u oni had saturday to play with, so half of 52 .. yeap… and no wander some people stil suck even tho we started learning together, as for me it was elect G ..of course i wouldve been better than the drums counterpart, coz i have 365 days to spare.

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So at the moment, i have two potential candidate : Hong Peng and Hong Wei, with the latter learing elect G. Which it is my major, and Hong Peng learning drums which is my minor. It was really the best, coz as far as music goes, i would prefer this two instrument. Now my plan is to at least get to intermediate on drums so that i can kickstart new players with no lack of basic skills. I wouldnt dare to teach them with my partial knowledge and skills. But as for elect G, im fully confident.

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So in order to get to semi profesional, i need a drumset at home so that i can get familiar and teach oso can be confident lah. Budget is not a problem at all, as i would thank god for his providence for my family. Altho if u look at it on another angle, u can call me PAI KAH ZAi ..lol … but im using this for the sake of church purposes, so i would really apreaciate god’s blessing to continue to come. Altho partly it’s just my interest in music, but instead of keeping everything to myself, i’m starting to pass on teh skills to others.

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At first it was really self gain self interest, but since ive thought of teaching others, it just became like that, at least tht sell fish ness aint there. So the only think to take care of is my parents consent and to shift out the two shelves, then my room can be fully converted into a mini studio, mayb keyboard and acoustic G will come, then a mixer or whatever it is will come too .. lol …

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Now there’s zachary, belum habis training. This saturday hopefully got enuf time to teach Hong Wei, and drums .. probly much much later .. coz as usual, drums always gives me a strong negative feeling as its all about the internal issues. Besides, . . not everyone can afford one, even tho its just 1k, and not everyone dares to get one, unless u live in a corner unit, a banglo, or a underground house, OR if u’r as daring as me in normal link house, be prepared to be scolded.

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If u are like me, even without spending much time practicing, but have good sense of musical knowledge, you probly can escape without owning a drumset. Jz need to sit down on teh drums for few minutes and jam jam abit, then u will easily pickup the acuracy. Well that’s me, god’s special ability given to me. While some or most people canot pick it up as easlily as me, i sometimes despice them, coz if u wanna compare me and you, we both dont own a drumset, we both are in church as long, we both listen to music before we were born, we both have the same passion, and mind you, we both dont have any actual knowledge on playing drums coz we both also dont attend lessons, we both dont own a drumpad, basically, we are the same lah, but some just canot pickup the ‘thing’ as fast as i do … i wonder why ..

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Besides thinking that its a natural talent, i wouldnt say so coz i stil miss alot of beat, but if its from God then i would accept lah. And i would just use it for god’s glory, altho i probly wont be serving as a drummer, but i will practice till i dont lack any patterns, and when i’m needed, i wouldnt mind showing the drummers diffrent way of playing and stuffs like that. And of coz the whole thing behind it is to teach.

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The REAL motive behind it, was just that i could show off a little bit… LOL … biasa le … im stil young and dangerous … such thing couldnt possibly escape me .. But if i add show off, hobby, having fun, and teaching together, then it wouldnt be as bad .. lol

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Anyway i was just pondering upon a new yrs resolution … it was rather late but i did come out with something … and despite me stil having the stupid habit, i prefer not to mix that up with what i’m really gonna do.

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Firstly, im gonna get into a band, its been 4 years already, and i wonder why havent i got into any of those. I always use the excuse of saying its God’s will and he wanna chg me b4 i get into it … erm … well how should i put it ? There’s nothing more than sin, and if this ONE sin of mine keeps me away from serving as a musician, well … then i dont have anymuch to say. But in reality, or rather truth, everyone sins, and anybody on stage on any particular day has sin before he gets his hands on the instrument, or mic.

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So right now i’m starting to doubt whether it was really God whose stoping me, or isit ME that didnt bug beg them enuf, that until they got anoyed and let me in. If u say i need to change before i can get in, then if it takes 10 years for me to quit that habit, then i oni can show my ideas and thoughts 10 years later. and by that time, i wont gurantee that i stil come to church u know ? coz if im gonna endure their way of playing music for 10 more years, i’d rather find some other church .. nuff said ..

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But then again .. i wouldnt leave, coz i stil have kakis …and i hate to make new friends … its tiring and troublesome … so well i’ll probly backslide even more coz i will be thinking of other things while they worship, coz what they play aint music, just rubbish ..

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It’s fine if they regard my way of playing as rubbish, but if they dont even let me try, how would i know ? All these years i’ve just been gathering thoughts upon myself and expressed it to a minority of people. They seem to agree on a simple truth, Pianist – SHUT UP .. Electric G – why the heck are u so in the background ? Worship Leader – Learn to live with the Elec G will ya ? Bass – no comment, Drums – no comment ,. Backup singers – you aint supose to sing what the WL singing every single word, yr not his vocal dub ..

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Well most of the time i only talk about pianist and elect G .. coz i play elect G … which gives me more idea how it should really sound .. But of course, im not even close to playing on stage with me leading … coz for 4 years i’ve been doing nothing, no band experience .. no stage experience … jz a few in a year … where got enuf … aiyo ……

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While all other instrument are so freaking easy to get in .. the elect G is probly the hardest … the most underated most unpopular most unwanted noise … is probly elect-G and acous-G … Piano … simple ny wanna get it … nelson very cincai 1 … got people play he not happy meh ? Pooi Yian tht aint pro, Ian thats younger than me, ashley that dont have alot of christian music playstyle … Justina that dont even come for alot of band practice … ALL oso boleh main on normal yf worship …

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Drums…   banyak laku … but getting in oso big problem .. but reason is unknown ..probly due to the lack of responsiblility on the rookies coz we alwys play wihtout asking permision and somore face with this dax … he’s one fella who i dislike the most and probly the only dude tht i dislike in the planet .. Bass .. oso boleh lah ..tapi tak laku .. rare breed.. those tht served musnt be underestimated … Elect G … hmm … this is probly the weirdest of all … in the whole church ..thrs only 3 … and for a elect-G .. your requirement isnt just sticking on electG ..but when need arises .. your’ supose to play acousG for events .. NOw thts probly the most suckiest part of it … and where the heck are those acousG when u need them ? well coz they arent important so we often forget them… or rather the electG’s skill far surpass acousG so they are the most wanted … SOrry lah acousG people … you are like not having any place in church at all …probly thts why some people choose it coz they jz wanted to serve bt duwan face .. lol

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Anyway ..end of story … i stil duno whts the BIG fuzz abt it tho …tht to get into the electG is so hard to do … those 3 probly dont want extra … coz if add more means they get less play time … lol … actually its the least people serving … so the lakuness  is even lower than bass … how sad .. But oh yea…i havent even talk abt wht i want to do yet .. lol

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Yes get into actual REAL duty roster. THEN 2nd one is to kickstart the young ones to play what i play .. elec- G … I have a feeling tht one day we’re gonna have 2 elec-G …and its alwys been my dream to have someone being able to play what i play, and surpass my level …coz curently .. excluding kenyiap who doesnt really like to show off … i wanna see the younger ones solo better than me … and when i become old ..i can be the background while letting the young ones to take the front solos … Yeah !

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The ‘one’, can be either god, or her. First it was god, and god sent her. How naive of me to think that every girl infront of me is godsent. It was like that from the very begining, but slowly, i started to lose sight, and slowly i’ve lost her. This year 2008, was another benchmark of dtdw’s adventure. He thought he’d score higher, but soon realized that it isnt possible. Altho god says with god, all things are possible, but if god doesnt want you to have it, there’s no point praying, hoping, asking. Altho God allowed me to try and bring it further, if it’s not god’s will, it will soon end.

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I began questioning myself, did i regret ? And from the word regret, there’s two things asked again : Did i regret being friends with her ? or ..  Did i regret not trying my best to keep the friendship going ?. I’d say, i regreted both of it. ANd i can also say, not at all, i do not regret either of it.

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What a problematic dtdw. Cant even make up his mind. And so it happened anyway, and it’s already too late to try and bring it back up. Its finish, it’s over. Even if we meet again by chance, i will never recognize her being a friend at all. What a sad life is he living.

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Yep, so it is that this year 2008, was the first time ever in his life, he completely ignored her, and altho just glancing at her back, did not face her face to face. Not hearing a single word that came out of her mouth, not even looking at her eyes, not a smile, and all i know she was just standing right infront of me, an arms away.

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Wonderful benchmark, it shows that i am at my limit, and thus this friendship has to end. And so i would say this : I regret knowing her, and i dont regret knowing her. Notice that i use the word regret, rather than happy for the latter. Because, there isnt any happiness to begin with, it was just in my mind, foolishly thought, she was godsent, to aid and cure and bring a smile on my face. Altho i have laughed with her, played with her, shared moments together, and seeing her happy and carefree face, all these had made my day happier, But it will only last for that few days, and i began to grow tired, dreading each passing day not being able to spent such times.

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I also thank god that he stopped all this, coz its pointless to wish for each christmas, pointless to think of her, pointless to pray for a good day, because my days of not being with her is more than the time i could spend with her. No one can imagine the pain i have to go through, only god knows. In a way, God wouldve also thought that this was pointless afterall, so he finally stopped it.

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Side effects ? OF course there is, now that i can hardly feel pain, i began to lose friends as well, because this incident taught me, “the more you get attached to someone, the more pain it is if that someone leaves you”. It is like a rubberband, The longer you pull, the harder or more painful it is if you let it go. And just imagine a super strong gigantic rubberband, one end in your hand, and another end in her hand. Both of you are to keep pulling for as long as you have breath. And imagine that each friend represents one rubberband. If you have 1000 friends you pull 1000. Either party let it go, the other person suffers from getting hit.

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So i dont have alot of friends, and she was the most precious to me. So she and i hold a super duper gigantic rubberband. And for some reason, on 25th december 2008, the band was let go. Doesnt matter who let it go, but the one that hurts, is me, because i was the one holding it the last.

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6 is the magic number. Our friendship : 2002-2007. Yep in fact it already ended in 2007, while 2008 is just a confirmation of our breakup.

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Sayonara, S.T. Goodness awaits us in heaven.

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